Is eight years old too young for existential dread?  I don’t recall in Jude and Eve, but I suspect Jack may have tripped up in this (or similar)  at such an age, but these last few days Esme has been (when not occupied with distraction) a little gripped by a fear of death.  We don’t know what’s brought this on… on Sunday she had a little trouble getting to sleep; a tummy ache and then she was sick.  There didn’t seem to be a cause – but in retrospect her worry at it all may have been the start of the pattern of the last few days, with quite little questions about ever being scared about dying.  When that first came up I said no, as I don’t,  but did concede that as with everyone, it’s something we all occasionally worry about but not something that’s an active worry … and that she herself is a tough little cookie – she saw all pneumonia and pleurisy wheels pentel she was young.   Obviously I didn’t pay enough attention,  as she’s been worrying away at the matter quietly these last few days – all a little morbidly.   She wasn’t speaking when i got home yesterday, and and – well, it all seemed a little (on the surface)  forced, so she was told to (effectively) ‘stop being silly’ which (retrospectively) didn’t help, as worry insinuates where it can.  Retiring from us to probably watch ‘Stampy Cat and (ubiquitous? ) Squid’ do some mining (running about on YouTube in Minecraft*) she came back later doleful and red eyed, wound herself up and was sick in the sink.  Louise and I changed tack a little – tried again to assure her that she really, really has nothing to worry on, and poured in an extra helping of love, remindind her she is generally and genuinely a ‘happy bunny’.  She did perk up, and we hope it’s settling in a bit, but only time will tell.

*Louise [dislikes/tolerates] Minecraft but gets annoyed at their dependence on watching stuff on YouTube – so the combination of both is greeted with distain and skepticism – but I have to admit I find the antics of these two entertaining, and they do consider their audience … and they don’t have grating American accents.

As Esme is coy about her reason for feeling the way she is, Louise wonders if she’s been watching too much rubbish on YouTube, but I’m not convinced this is at the root of things – she is worried, and worried that we’ll disapprove whatever.   Thinking about it on that Sunday night she may have mentioned bad dreams – that might or might not point to a spontaneous cause.